


a lover with the candour of a friend

by millipop



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clarke is blind until Bellamy smiles at her I can relate, F/M, Friends to Lovers, praimfaya didn't happen, some sort of vague settlement future, they're best friends fight me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 15:56:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millipop/pseuds/millipop
Summary: Clarke has been through a lot with Bellamy Blake - he's her best friend, the one she counts on to always have her back, just as she has his. She's always maintained that that's all they are. After all, why would she want to lose him as her best friend?Her heart, however, has other plans.





	a lover with the candour of a friend

**Author's Note:**

> oops I ficced. This has also been in the works for awhile, which is why it's a weird sort of post canon setting. Anyway. title from I'll Have to Dance With Cassie from God Help the Girl.

The first time it happens, she’s completely caught off guard.

Bellamy has always been just her friend – her best, very close, kind-of-dependent-on-him friend – but entirely platonic nonetheless. It’s never been _more_. God, she even hated him for a good few weeks there. But then they’d become partners, become co-leaders, become responsible for keeping a bunch of kids (even though most of them were her age, she felt years older) alive.  So what if he’s very (extremely) attractive? It’s never bothered her before. She congratulates him on it, sure, but it’s never affected her. His roles in her life are to be amazing and her closest friend and hers are to make sure he’s okay and know he’s loved. Platonically, of course. That’s all.

The thing is, she trusts Bellamy more than she trusts anyone – that’s a fact. And trust just isn’t something she associates with…

Well, let’s just say she’s still not prepared for her stomach to swoop when he turns and smiles at her, relaxed and happy and proud after he’s made a perfect shot at a rabbit from a hundred yards away.

 It’s always a welcome surprise to see him smile, especially after everything that’s happened. It’s been years, but his smirk still reminds her of their first Unity Day on the ground, when he’d told her to relax, and they’d actually shared a joke.

The feeling (which she refuses to describe to herself, for fear it might come back) is gone before she really processes it, and he trudges back to her, hauling the dead rabbit by the scruff. They have enough food back at home to last them, but on the ground, too much food is never a bad thing, and Bellamy says hunting relaxes him. She teases him in the usual way they bait each other, he responds with an equal retort, and that’s how they pass the time in the trek back home.

She doesn’t even think about it - the funny feeling that is - until much later. After dinner, after clean-up, after campfire stories where she’s snug up against him listening to the deep timbre of his voice as he rumbles out his nightly mythology tale. In hindsight, Clarke thinks that should probably have been the first sign – that she sits so _near_ him all the time. But she likes his stories, likes his warmth. They’re still just partners, still just very close co-leaders. That’s it, she swears.

 No, it’s when she lies in bed later, blankets pulled up to her chin and staring at the roof of her cabin, that she thinks about it. It had been an odd enough thing to happen that she now she remembers it clearly, the jittering in her heart for a moment there when he’d smiled. At her.

Smiled, of all things. If this meant what she thinks it might, shouldn’t the trigger for this feeling be more…romantic? She likes plenty of peoples’ smiles. She loves Raven’s bright one that lights up her face, loves Monty’s small grin when he solves a problem, loves Harper’s smirk when she succeeds when people doubt her.

But she’s never reacted to their smiles like she did today to his.

She goes to sleep with the memory of all his smiles flashing past, like one of those old film reels. It’s bittersweet that there are very few from their first few months on Earth, and many more of his face now. But what they have in common is that they all comfort her immensely as she slips into sleep.

*

She’s a little bit more prepared when it happens the second time, although it still kind of steals her breath.

They’re in a meeting, a really boring one, and of course they’ve disagreed on multiple issues (Raven and Miller rolling their eyes), but now they’ve teamed up against the others on some sort of safety problem, and he grins at her over the table. She knows, intellectually, that it’s probably just one sent in comradery; god knows they get shit done when they agree. But it still kind of freezes her insides, and she hardly gets it together enough to listen to the end of Raven’s tirade and counter with an argument.

They finish the meeting soon after, and unlike last time she can’t get it out of her head. Nobody’s grin has ever made her feel like that, feel so…well, she doesn’t even have the words. But it’s a good feeling. And it makes her want to be close to him, make him smile like that (and specifically, at her) again.

Unfortunately, her little crisis has probably made her seem a little off, and Bellamy approaches her in the lunch line a few minutes later, looking at her with a frown, his eyebrow’s creased in worry.

‘You okay?’

It’s something he’s probably said more than a thousand times since reaching the ground, and it makes her much happier that this one isn’t said when a life or death situation is approaching. She nods at him, trying to appease him by smiling.

‘I’m fine,’ Clarke nudges him with her shoulder. ‘Good work in there.’

Bellamy rolls his eyes at her praise, but nods back at her, and she knows him well enough to see the small amount of pride in his eyes. Initially he had been reluctant to take on decision-making roles after…well, after everything. But Clarke had insisted – she wanted to know he’d be there to counter her when she inevitably went too far. And he was a leader, inside. He may not completely believe it yet, but Clarke knew.

Although she sits with the usual group at lunch, her mind is off in another place. She stares off into space and barely notices when Raven steals all of her tomatoes.

Bellamy is next to her, talking and laughing with the group, initially trying to bring her into the conversation, but noticing her mood and respecting her silence after a few minutes. He pats her on the arm, not even looking at her, but it’s his usual signal for ‘I’m here if you need me but it’s okay that you’re not feeling your best.’ Or something.

It’s something that gets her mind whirring even further into overtime, the fact that they know each other so damn well. Years of working together, predicting each other’s moves, having to be a team. It’s not…

Clarke doesn’t often purposely think about Finn or Lexa. They’re long in the past by now – she’s been on the ground for much longer than she knew either of them. But she does, just in the back of her mind, think about them whenever there’s any romance in her life. And yes, she may subconsciously compare everyone to them. Including now, it seems, Bellamy.

But that’s why she thinks that her stomach or heart or head or whatever dictated those sorts of feelings must be completely off the mark. Because her feelings for Bellamy aren’t _romantic_. She doesn’t flirt or giggle with him, like with Finn. She doesn’t think he’s ethereal, doesn’t feel her heart beating wildly when she looks at him, like she did with Lexa. She fits with him like a best friend does, not a _boyfriend_. Finn and Lexa had enchanted her basically from the beginning. Things with Bellamy were nowhere near that, so it was obvious that whatever this crisis was about, it wasn’t…it wasn’t like that.

Her musings have taken her through all of lunch because she suddenly realises everyone’s standing up to leave, empty plates in hand. Bellamy rolls his eyes as he gets up, noticing her surprise, and shoves her still full plate towards her.

‘Eat something, Griffin. Don’t want you passing out on us again.’

She scoffs and gives him the finger, before standing up with him, gathering her plate.

‘I’m not hungry.’

Bellamy looks unhappy, but concedes, and takes the meal off her to give to a teenager who’s finished his meal way before the rest of his table. Clarke can’t believe sometimes, how caring he is. He looks after the rest of them constantly, automatic as breathing. Part of it is him compensating. Without Octavia to watch out for, his protective instincts have spread out to everyone – it’s no wonder that some of the younger, orphaned kids look to him as a sort of parent.

They walk back together, to their cabins, and Bellamy is silent. Unlike lunch, Clarke feels overly present, like her senses are on overload. She feels every footstep of his heavy boots on the earth, hears every breath and swallow. Glancing sideways, she sees him looking ahead, lost in thought. It’s funny how they do that sometimes, swap places. They’re always balancing each other out.

Stopping before hers, he turns to look at her as she goes to push in the door.

‘Clarke…’ He trails off. Clarke looks at him, waiting. ‘Just…you know I’m always here right?’

Clarke frowns. Of course she knows. Where else would he be, really?

Bellamy looks like he’s regretting opening his mouth. ‘I…nevermind.’ He moves to turn away.

‘No, wait,’ Clarke says, just barely. ‘What were you going to say? You never finish your sentences.’

‘Shut up,’ Bellamy returns easily, a smile returning to his face. ‘I was just going to say…you’re my best friend, Clarke. Whatever is bothering you, you don’t have to tell me…but if you need to. I’m here.’

His face looks so goddamn earnest, Clarke’s heart constricts. _Now_ her heart decides to beat at a thousand miles per hour. Looking at Bellamy, standing there with his warm eyes and dimples and freckles and a face that just begs to be kissed; Clarke realises she’s in so much trouble.

She’s in love with her best friend.

Those words don’t come out of her mouth, thankfully, or maybe unfortunately. It’s hard to know.

‘You’re my best friend too,’ she says, and hugs him. Bellamy gave the best hugs, wrapping his arms around you so fully that it felt like being in a cocoon of muscles and love.

God she’s really lost it.

And then Bellamy’s looking at her with so much fondness it’s hard for Clarke not to launch herself at him, in a more romantic way than just hugging, she means. But she knows she needs to restrain herself – she’s only just realised what this all meant, she can hardly spring this on him. Besides, he just called her his best friend. His platonic best friend.

Clarke extracts herself and gives him a soft smile. ‘I’m okay, I promise. Just thinking about things.’

Bellamy ignores the vagueness of that statement, and gives her a nod. ‘Alright then. Now get going, I think I saw a line-up at the infirmary.’

She rolls her eyes at him, quipping back something about the guard, and finally escapes his presence when she retreats into her cabin to get her things.

Alone, Clarke ran her hands down her face. This was…this was bad. After years of withstanding Bellamy’s attractive presence without a single conscious thought…and now she breaks. After a goddamn _smile_.

Bellamy Blake, her annoying, infuriating, trustworthy, amazing best friend. She loved him.

What the hell was she going to do?

***

Clarke has always been a good liar.

Back on the Ark, Clarke was always the one covering for her and Wells when she inevitably got them into some kind of shenanigans. She was always good at smooth talking, of making any authority figure believe in her innocence, fibs and manipulations spilling out with ease.

But what Clarke’s never been good at is pretending. Extended lying, if that was what pretending was…it was difficult. Clarke’s emotions usually simmered to the surface after too long.

Even in Mount Weather, when she’d had to pretend she trusted them, just before she’d escaped. Monty had seen right through her, and he didn’t even know her that well at that point.

So it shouldn’t be a surprise that she starts acting weird. The thing is, she _knows_ she is. Clarke can feel the awkward smiles on her face, her distractions taking over more than usual, stumbling and slipping over words that usually came out smoothly.

Raven’s the first to call her out on it, which makes sense – she’s Clarke’s closest friend after Bellamy. It happens after a conversation between the three of them, after Bellamy’s dashed off to deal with some minor guard emergency.

Her friend narrows her eyes at Clarke, and crosses her arms.

‘Alright, out with it. What’s up with you and Bellamy?’

Clarke may be a good liar, but Raven’s also very smart. So she doesn’t even bother to deny anything, just rubs her face and sighs.

‘I may have….realised that uh…’

‘That you’re in love with him?’ Clarke tries not to be too surprised. It must be obvious from space now. And Clarke’s silence is all Raven needs. She sighs and opens her arms. ‘C’mere. I knew you’d realise eventually.’

Clarke folds into her arms and lets out a groan. ‘It’s ruining everything. I know I’m acting weird but I can’t help it I just…’

‘Yeah, you’re not so good at pretending.’

‘So what do I do?’ Clarke extracts herself from the hug and sits down on a nearby chair, resting her chin on her hands.

Raven looks at her sympathetically.

‘You take a risk.’

***

Before Clarke can act on Raven’s advice (although she admits she’s procrastinating it, just a little. Sue her if telling her best friend that she suddenly wants to spend every morning in bed with him is a little difficult), Bellamy calls her out on it.

In fairness, she has been avoiding him more than even before, as part of the procrastinating. She just can’t find the right words to say to him (that was always his expertise) and looking at him makes her lose all sense.

He finally corners her in a corridor just before dinner, just as she’s leaving her room to head out to eat. And even though Clarke knew this must be coming, and that he might even be angry at her, she still feels her heart swoop at the sight of him, at the gentle touch of his hand to her wrist.

Bellamy style, he gets straight to the point.

‘You’ve been avoiding me.’

Clarke tries to not look at his eyes, but they really are so lovely and then she struggles to shake his gaze. ‘I know.’

‘Any reason why? Did I do something?’

She’s tempted to say ‘smile’, but that really isn’t the truth. That was just the start. She’s probably been in love with him for a while now, under the surface. So she can’t just say that – she tries not to lie to Bellamy anymore – just avoid him, evidently. ‘No of course not. I’m just…figuring something out at the moment.’

Bellamy softens, both his hands coming up to softly grip her shoulders. ‘You know I’m always here if you need to talk something through,’ he says giving her a small smile. ‘But you’re not avoiding anyone else, so are you sure you’re okay?’

It’s not Clarke’s finest moment, but Bellamy’s looking at her like she’s a shell about to break, like he did after everything settled down and he wasn’t sure where he stood with her anymore. And all of it is a reminder that that’s what he sees her as – his friend, just someone else to look after, someone else to cater to, and it makes her heart hurt.

‘I’m fine, okay?’ Her voice is snappy, high strung, she hears it even within herself, and she hates it, because she’s never actually angry at Bellamy anymore, but now it sounds like she is. Clarke shakes off his grip and begins to start off down the corridor, breath heaving with anger, not at him, but at herself.

The presence of Bellamy is still for a moment, frozen. It’s so obvious to her now, how she feels: that she can sense where he is, even when she’s not looking. But then he wheels around, not angry, but obviously upset.

‘I thought we were best friends, Clarke. I thought we were partners. I thought we wouldn’t do this anymore, run away from each other when something gets too hard.’ To anyone else, Bellamy would sound furious, but Clarke just hears the upset and confusion in his voice.

And it kills her that now they’re upset at each other over something that he doesn’t even know he can’t fix.

Clarke stops and turns, facing him. They’re a few metres from each other, but she knows Bellamy can probably see the redness in her eyes, the shaking of her jaw.

‘That’s what we are? Best friends?’

Bellamy looks confused. ‘Yeah, of course.’

And Clarke can’t take it anymore.

‘But what if I want something else?’ The words leap from her throat before she has time to think, and the way his face freezes stops her heart.

‘What do you mean, Clarke?’ Bellamy says hoarsely. He looks like he did that time Miller had thrown a bucket of cold water on him.

She gathers all the courage left in her heart, and walks back toward him, softly. His eyes won’t let hers go, and she swallows deeply as she stands in front of him.

‘I want to be your best friend. I want to be your partner. But I want it forever, Bellamy. I want to see you everyday. I want to sit next to you every night. I…I want to kiss you…’ And her list of the infinite things she wants to do with Bellamy Blake stops short.

Because he kisses her.

His hands, his perfect hands, cup her face, and her own dive immediately into his curls. She feels their knees bumping, his warm chest just pressing on hers. But most of all she feels the love pouring in from his lips to hers, the desperation in his movement like he thinks this is his only chance.

But it isn’t. Because now that she’s kissing Bellamy she understands something.

Finn was an adventure, giddy heights and oh so drastic falls. Lexa was a treasure, precious, shining, fleeting. But Bellamy is coming home after a long day, falling into bed with relief. He’s her best friend, her soul. And she couldn’t even fathom asking for anything more right now.

Everything has fallen perfectly into place.

***

Julia’s always been one of those extra curious kids. She asks a billion questions a minute, so much that Clarke can barely keep up sometimes. Raven does better with her, answering those impossible ones only four-year-olds seem to dream up and that stump everyone. Bellamy loves it, answers every what, who, where with endless patience and explanation.

Clarke should have known Bellamy would love nurturing that in his child.

When Julia finally starts going to the makeshift school they’ve set up, a whole new set of questions start. She learns all sorts of nonsense from the other kids, but none have amused Clarke more than the one she asks now.

‘Mommy?’

‘Mm?’

‘Is Daddy your lover?’

Clarke nearly chokes on the water she’d been drinking, like a cliché. She frowns bemusedly at her daughter, who’s staring up at her from the kitchen table with wide, curious eyes.

‘Why do you ask, hon?’

‘Well I said to Tally that you and Daddy were best friends, like you told me, but she said that was wrong, because Mummies and Daddies love each other, they’re not friends.’

Clarke grins, and sits down next to her daughter, scooping her into her lap. Bellamy was going to love this story.

‘Well there are a lot of different ways that friends work. I love all my friends, like Raven and Monty and Miller, right? Just like you love your friends.’

Julia nods thoughtfully.

‘Love can be different, though. Sometimes, you find a very special person who you love in a very special way. Like Grandma and Grandpa, or Miller and Monty. Some people don’t call their special person their friend, but I think that’s silly, don’t you? Your Dad is a great friend. He talks to me, plays with me, helps me. Isn’t that what friends do?’

Julia nods again but she still looks disconcerted. “But is Daddy your special person?”

Clarke secures her arms around her daughter, and with his perfect timing, Bellamy steps through the door. She smiles at him, looking very sappy, she’s sure. He quirks an eyebrow.

‘I love your Dad very much, of course he’s my special person. But he’s my best friend too.’

And when Bellamy smiles blindingly at her, at them, at their family, well. Clarke still thinks it’s one of the best things in the world.

 

**Author's Note:**

> oh hey come say hello on [twitter](http://twitter.com/biakebell) or [tumblr](http://millipop.tumblr.com)


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